Saturday, May 05, 2007

Lack of Anonymity

A lot of blogs are anonymous or close to it.
Mine isn't. Not only mine isn't, but people including my husband's manager, my mother, my neighbors, and my father-in-law read it.

Which is mostly really cool. It gives me an easy way to keep up with people, share experiences, etc.

On the other hand, when I really want to rag on someone, I can't. When I want to share some juicy gossip, I have to be aware that even if I don't share the person's name, someone will recognize the situation and know exactly who I'm talking about...

All of this is why I haven't shared a lot of the details of my pregnancy. In an anonymous blog, you can tell people all about the messy stuff - the internal exams, the kegels, the works. But here, I really don't want all my friends and neighbors to know that the Dr. did X or that I'm having Y problem... And it's kinda hard when all I want to do is whine!

That said, I'm now going to indulge in a little bit of whining. Those of you who don't know me very well can assume that I'm censoring myself somewhat because of my aforementioned audience. Aforementioned audience: feel free to skip this part...

I have asthma and I feel like it's killing me. I keep coughing and coughing and well, if you've been pregnant, you know that coughing can have yucky side effects. And I don't mean just the incredibly painful tearing sensation in my abdomen.

A few weeks ago, when the wheezing was very bad, my doctor gave me a prescription for a nebulizer and some medication that goes into it. The stuff pretty much works. Not perfect, but it helps a lot. I ran out, and asked him to prescribe more, and he didn't renew the prescription. (I have to ask him to call me tomorrow to tell him that I'm wheezing again). I went to the other dr in the clinic, and he said a regular inhaler is plenty. However, the regular inhaler seems to do zero. As in, I feel absolutely no difference at all.

So now, I'm coughing and coughing, and I'm out of medication that sorta works and all I have is stuff that doesn't work, but I'm still taking it in case maybe it has a cumulative effect or maybe I would actually be worse without it.

But I'm thinking jeez. I have another 9 weeks to go before the due date, and my mom and sister pretty much consistently went over, so I could have as much as 11 weeks to go. How am I supposed to live with coughing, difficulty breathing, wheezing, and that tearing sensation in my side for the next 9-11 weeks?!

And let's just say, for argument's sake, that I somehow live through this (not like I have much choice, unless I choke to death)... How am I supposed to get pregnant ever again, knowing that pretty much as soon as the nausea ends, the asthma begins?? I don't know if I could handle this again?! I'm just crying my eyes out with frustration and pain, and Yaakov asked if I wanted to go to the ER, but ... I can't go to the ER every time I have an asthma attack - I'd have to take up residence there. I just can't stay like this. I don't know what to do!

There, whine over... thanks for listening.