The First Three Months

The first three months of Ephraim's life have been, well, less than easy on me.

I've talked about his eye problem a tiny bit. The doctor recommended doing a second operation, but the chances of real success were very low. Yaakov and I agonized over the decision whether or not to go forward with a second operation. I spoke to several doctors, including two other ophthalmologists. In the end, we decided not to have the operation. This means that we have given up all hope of him seeing from the eye.

Instead, we will be working on helping the eye socket to grow so that his face will look symmetrical.

I've spent a lot of time at the eye clinic in Tel Hashomer Hospital, and I imagine I'll be spending some more time there. My maternity leave is almost over, and I'm only just beginning to get into Ephraim's rhythm. He doesn't sleep great at night. It's kind of hit-or-miss whether I get enough sleep to keep me sane any given night. Yaakov's been great, but since I'm nursing, I try to get up for every feeding (Ephraim does take formula at times, since my supply is low).

I'm starting to think about working again. I've found a daycare arrangement for both kids (at the same place) for next school year. I have a few options for part-time care for Ephraim in the shorter range, but I don't want to have him out too many hours a day - just maybe 2-4 hours a day - both because I think babies belong with their mom (as much as possible) and because I have pretty much no success with pumping, so I need to be with him for feedings in order to continue the nursing.

I'm planning on becoming a freelance writer. There is someone who has been giving me writing projects on a regular basis over the past 2 years, and she's had me listed as a regular employee. I plan to keep working with her and take on other projects at the same time - hopefully to improve my resume and widen the range of subjects I write about.

Kinneret is growing day by day. She says more and more words each day. A few days ago, my mom asked her "Is Ephraim your mommy?" and Kinneret answered "baby."

Last night, I was calling for Yaakov from the other room, and she started calling in the same tone "Koko!"

She also is learning to draw. Last night, she found my whiteboard and some dry-erase markers, and she spent about an hour coloring on the whiteboard (and a teeny bit on the couch - but hey, it's IKEA - it's washable!)

She loves flowers and leaves, and asks us to pick them for her when she is out in her stroller.

She has made friends with a little boy in her daycare, and they hug each other. It's very cute.

In international news, Shlomo and Yaakov have been video conferencing twice a week to study Gmara together. Yaakov's mom is arriving tomorrow morning and will be with us for Pesach.

Overall, things are looking up!

Getting it off my Breast... err.. Chest

Sometimes I feel like having a baby makes your private life no longer private. And I don't mean the fact that the baby is with you all the time. Sure, that makes for a challenge with the intimacy, but that's really okay with me. I can meet challenges.

What I don't like is the fact that other people, strangers, suddenly feel that because they can assume you've had sex (by the fact that you're pregnant, a parent, etc) they now have the right to intrude on your whole life.

It starts with the pregnancy. People feel like they have the right to touch a woman's pregnant belly as if it were public property. I literally had to tell a man to "back off" my belly. And of course, everyone has to ask what you're having. And if you don't tell them, then they tell you. (Just for the record, everyone told me I was having a boy.)

You'd hope that they'd quit once the belly is gone, but no... they find new ways to intrude. First, they touch the baby without permission, sometimes with dirty hands, sometimes while smoking. I try to keep Kinneret away from smokers... Oh, and you gotta love the people who want to touch her while she's sleeping! Hello? Would you like it if someone decided to prod you in your sleep? She's a baby, not a puppy, for heaven's sake!

The other way that they intrude is the ever-present question of "Are you breastfeeding?"

Here's the answer: "Sorta"

Usually, I try to keep my private business, well, private, or at least off of this blog. But the situation has gotten out of hand. I'm attacked with the question so often that it just drives me bonkers.

Here's the story.

When I was in the hospital after an excellent delivery, I had little success latching Kinneret on. I tried and tried, but I never heard a swallow. Right before I was released, the lactation consultant at the hospital tried to help me, and we were able to get Kinneret on, but she didn't swallow, indicating that she didn't get any milk. The consultant told me to get a pump and pump 6-8 times a day to bring in a supply.

I tried with no success. Two nights later, I got Kinneret on, got a latch, heard a swallow, and then Kinneret started screaming so I gave her a bottle. When I got up, I saw that I was sitting in a puddle of blood. The bleeding got so bad that I went to the ER that night, and my mom and I spent the whole night there so that the doctors could stop the hemorrhage.

When I tried to nurse again, there was nothing.

Since then, I've been working with a lactation consultant, and pumping to increase the supply, but the most I've pumped in a single session is 20ml. Just for reference, Kinneret generally eats 120-160 ml of milk at a feeding. I'm still working at it, but it's just not going great.

Usually her first feeding in the morning starts with some time on me, but then she'll eat a whole feeding from a bottle after that... so go figure.

Anyway, my point is, I'm sick of people telling me all sorts of stuff about breastfeeding, because I'm sure it's wonderful if you have a body that cooperates and doesn't try to bleed itself to death and all that, but when the body just won't do the job, the whole thing is so depressing.

I comfort myself with the fact that my four older siblings were all bottle-fed back when formula wasn't nearly as well formulated and they're all doing fine. I also comfort myself with the fact that Kinneret is eating some breast milk each day.

And, when I need additional comfort, I think about the people who stick their nose in my business, and I imagine smashing my fist right into their obtrusive nose.

Ahhhh... that's better.