Off the Top of My Head

Edit: The doctor never called :(

Hi Folks,
Thanks for all the good wishes.

Today, I went to the doctor (my primary care physician), and he gave me percocet. Guess what? My head still hurts.

I went to the gym, mostly b/c it gives me a way to put Kinneret into someone else's hands for an hour or so. The babysitting service there seems nice enough.

I was about to change into my gym clothes when my mom's friend came in. I know her pretty well, b/c she runs my book club, and because her dog Pushkin is friends with my dog Poofy. Anyway, she asked me how I am, and I burst out crying.

I went swimming - did 50 lengths, 1.25 Kilometers. (a mile is 1.6)

Felt reasonable most of the way home, and then the pain came back
Fortunately, K slept for almost 2 hours when we got home. Then she got up and screamed for a while. I gave her a bath, dressed her, and then she screamed some more. I couldn't calm her down in any way and I didn't have it in me to pack her in my wrap and go for a walk (which would have calmed her).

Then Yaakov came home & got her to sleep. And now I'm waiting for the doctor to call...

So here's the story about my head:
1. Hormones - I'm not on hormonal b.c. at the moment, b/c it's always a prime suspect. If I get pregnant, it's the fault of everyone who mentioned problems with hormonal birth control!

2. Acupuncture - I had one treatment which seemed to help. Unfortunately, Yaakov doesn't really believe in it, so he's not keen on it. More unfortunately, 8 treatments (which is about the minimum I could imagine needing in the next while) would cost us more than a month's rent. We simply can't afford it.

3. Ezra Lamarpe - I will give them a call. Thanks for the suggestion.

Meantime, a friend invited us for a special meal in which everyone makes the blessings out loud and everyone says "amen" and this is supposed to be a very powerful prayer thing. My mom and I had me in mind. G-d always answers prayers. Sometimes he says no.

My neighbor's cousin got married this week and they're having one of the "seven blessings" meals at their house now, so I'm sending Yaakov over to ask for the bride & groom to bless me.

Where we're at now - I'm waiting for my doctor to call with a plan of action. Current possibilities are either to proceed with the neurologist's call for an EEG (which I might end up having to pay for out-of-pocket...) or to have my doctor request a hospitalization for me.

I'm torn about the second option. On the one hand, it seems like the best bet for finding a solution - I will be able to have all the tests in a short time without waiting for health fund approval, appointments at various clinics, etc. It'll mean a lot less running around, especially for my mom, who is starting to feel like a taxi driver. And hopefully, it'll mean an answer sooner.

On the other hand, it'll mean being away from Kinneret, and I will miss her so much. It'll also mean much more work for Yaakov - He'll have to take over all the stuff I do, and I imagine he'll be surprised at how much I do even with constant headaches. He should be able to get the time off as "family sick" time, so work shouldn't be a problem.

But now, I'm just waiting for the phone to ring, and gradually losing hope as it gets ever closer to 9pm and the time I expected the doctor to call by...

I'll be bursting into tears right about now.

me

Going Out of My Head

Because of my sister's blog and blogroll, I've gotten to know about support networks through the blogosphere, but I'm not infertile (or at least Kinneret doesn't think so).

I'm just having a never-ending headache. I don't know where to get support for that, or for the depression I experience EVERY morning when I wake up and the pain is still there full force.

I have great friends who give me all kinds of moral support, but none of them know what this feels like. They can't understand what it's like to have my head hurt and my baby screaming and know that I'm not being the kind of mother I want to be. And have it continue day after day.

It's impossible to put into words how I felt when I had to tell the woman I work for that I need to take some time off. This means putting off getting a car even longer, since we can't afford one without my salary. I haven't been able to take driving lessons, which means I'm still far away from getting my license.

I haven't been able to keep up with the basics like laundry. I consider it an achievement that I manage to keep the baby washed and in clean diapers.

I feel like this headache has taken over my life and everything that means anything to me is disappearing into the ether. Yaakov is running out of patience for me. My mom is downright sick of me. My friends need me to be there for them in other, important ways. I keep pushing to keep going through the pain, but it's getting harder and harder.

I've now been to two neurologists, one of whom was very thorough, but didn't have any particularly helpful ideas for stopping my pain. He gave me one medication while I was at his office - it's a fast-acting medication that you're supposed to take while experiencing the aura. So I did. And on the way home, I felt intense burning and pressure in my head.

great
so I took the other medication he recommended. In extremely high doses, it seems to ease the pain slightly. slightly.

I'm really starting to lose it. I don't know what to do.

Home Stretch?

I've completed 33 weeks of this pregnancy. That means that my baby should weigh almost 4.5 lbs, and that in another week, the lungs should be fully developed. It means that my baby is packing on fat nicely. It means that the future of this baby looks very very good.

Unfortunately, it also means that I'm in the end phase. I'm in the phase where my body is completely unwieldy, where I have one t-shirt that fits me for sleeping in, where my whole tummy and everything else itches fiercely. I'm at the point that even if I weren't choking on the allergens in the air, my lungs are already too squished to breathe comfortably. My back is well beyond the point of being able to support my weight. I'm exhausted. I'm uncomfortable in every position. The palms of my hands and soles of my feet feel like they're on fire. My face sweats no matter what I do.

Oh, and I'm so hormonal I can barely even get out a simple sentence without breaking into tears.

I've gotta tell y'all... this pregnancy thing is not easy. And I still have 7 weeks until the due date, not to mention the fact that if I'm like my mom and sister, then I've got 9 weeks before they induce me to get this child out.

I'm starting to break down. I mean, I really feel like I'm beyond my limit. I know that this is nothing - I should be happy that this pregnancy is basically free of complications. The nausea is long-over, I don't have gestational diabetes, significant swelling, bleeding (or even spotting). This is about as easy as a pregnancy gets. So why am I not glowing? I just don't know... I don't even have half of the things that my pregnancy book warns me are totally normal and expected, not to mention the scary awful ones...

Do other women really go through this and then CHOOSE to have more children? And why did nobody tell me how difficult pregnancy really is? Would it have made a difference? Probably not, but... I wish I'd known what I was getting into. Then again, it might have made it all that much worse. I don't know... I'm so confused.

Everyone tells me that after the pregnancy is over, I'll forget how bad it is, and I'll be willing to go for it again. I hope so, I guess. I did plan on having more than one child, but the way I feel now, I just can't imagine going through another pregnancy...

Okay, enough whining for one day. I have other (semi-interesting) things to write, but no patience to write them... so Shabbat Shalom for now.

t.c.